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THE BOOK OF BOREDOM

(or, How to Become Un-Bored: The Godly way!)

by Crispy K.

Once the Spleen Gods were done creating all of existence (which is no easy task may I add) they realized that they were now left with copious amounts of spare time. Now, for the first couple eons they amused themselves by getting stoned, getting drunk, baking muffins, getting stoned, demanding sacrifices, getting stoned, and creating Algebra with which to torment humans everywhere. Eventually though, they got sick of tormenting humans with the mind numbing repetition of calculating cube functions, and their tolerances had been raised to Spleen Godly Proportions, so that it took several tons of Godly Pot just to get a decent high.

Well, Inky and Pinky were smart and decided to create VCR's with which to pass part of Eternity. In their infinite Godly wisdom they also remembered to create videos, and video rental stores. Inky created "Run Lola Run", as well as Blockbuster, and saw that it was Good. Pinky is a bastard and created "I Know What You Did Last Summer 1-438" as well as "The Blair Witch Project" just to piss people off, and saw that it was incredibly Bad. However, stupid (no offense meant to the Holy Spleen God of course...::dodges thunderbolt::) Blinky was not satisfied with watching such great movies as "Willy Wonka", "BeastMaster", and "A Christmas Story", and decided to pay a visit to his Earth in all of his glorious Ugliness. He had been there once before in a disguise as an Italo-Korean Food Vendor, so to be discreet this time he opted for appearing on Earth as a Neon-Lighted Las Vegas Slot Machine. Unfortunately he miscalculated his landing point and accidentally wound up in the middle of an Interstate Highway. A stream of Un-Godly profanity issued forth from his mouth, so foul that the sheer filth of his words caused the air to heat so much that up and down the Highway the air that had been trapped inside of the cars started expanding to the point of explosion. Tires popped in unison, windshields shattered with a loud 'KERBLAM!' and traffic was backed up for weeks. Yep, he landed right outside of San Francisco.

::three ellipses passing overhead signify the passing of a significant amount of time::

Okay, well, we here at the bureau of ZCBOR got kind of bored with writing this chapter of The Holy Book of Spleen, and after a nap of worship to the Spleen Gods, we (err, I) realized that I made a few mistakes in the telling of the epic and grandiose history of Blinky's second appearance on the Earth he Created. Blinky DID NOT, in fact, land in the middle of the San Francisco highway‰Û|. He landed there back in the day when the west was first being settled, so the traffic was NOT in fact backed up for weeks, nor did tires or windshields explode. What actually happened was that he smashed through the canvas top of a caravan, scared a couple buffalo out of their skins (signifying the first appearance of the Holy Triforce of Sacred Buffalo-Wear) and only managed in delaying a couple of pioneers for a couple hours, enough time for them to gawk at Blinky's incarnation as a slot machine in an act of worship, and to round up some more buffalo. Any effect this had on Californian traffic is merely peripheral.

Now, these were not just any Traveling Pioneers though, these were the Two Fabulous Cow Pokes. Followers of the Two Fabulous Cow Pokes have named them so because of their legendary pilgrimages across the old west, informing heathens of the Holy Spleen Gods, and Poking Cows squarely in the nose. And they were incredibly sparkly, pink, and joyous, that's where the Fab part comes from. :-)

(something notelike needs to be added to the end of this, i have lost all motivation.)(ill leave that up to you :-P)

[Editor's note: This book was never finished due to extreme bordeom. Howzat, Crispy?]

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