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THE BOOK OF THE KORTCESJETESIS

by Alex T.

After a while the Spleen Gods looked at the mess that had become of their creation, with all these people slaughtering and torturing each other, dishonesty a way of life, and saw that it was bad. (Of course, Pinky didn’t mind this, but the other two thought it was awful.) As a result, they decided it was high time to destroy it. This would mean the end of all existence, and even the nonbelievers would cease to be, although of course they’d think they still existed. Since the names "apocalypse," "doomsday" and "armageddon" were already taken, they decided on "kortcesjetesis," from the Esperanto word "ceso" (meaning "end"), the Albanian word "jetesë" (meaning "existence") and the Armenian word "kort" (meaning "frog" (Blinky liked frogs)).

Of course this kortcesjetesis would mean that they would have to cause themselves not to exist too, which was suicide committed by a deity, which they had previously outlawed. This meant taking back a law, against which there was also a law, so they had to propose a metalaw making it legal to retract laws, but of course there was already a metametalaw against making such laws. This kind of bureaucratic red tape took quite a while to undo, and the prediction is that the Spleen Gods will finally finish legislating and kortcesjetese in the year 4918.

At this point, the temperature of the three will would go up slowly until the oceans boil and the air burns. Black sticky rain will fall from the sky and sizzle upon the ground and people will disappear and reappear in other places suddenly and without warning. The sky will turn a grisly gray, like spoiled butter. But most horrifying of all are the Creatures which the combined efforts of the Zeroeth Triumvirate will send down to devour the very fabric of spacetime.

The Three-Pronged Flutrax will come first, a 600-foot-long armored rat-like thing with ten triple-jointed legs, green light-emitting horns on its back, fifteen eyes scattered around its body, and a giant fork of chitin on the end of its bony tail. It subsists on energy and will seek out its victims from all angles, skewer them, and remove energy until the victim is at absolute zero and therefore can no longer exist.

Next will come the Ozostomiac Platoon, a group of tiny, hideous, yellow and green gnomes which will make energy out of inorganic matter with their evil breath. The resulting energy will fly around loose until it is encased in flesh for the Flutrax to devour.

Doing the encasing will be the Carnivorous Latin Dictionary of Zdzdz, a huge book which will close itself on loose energy and emit it in the form of rotten meat from a filthy hole on page 143 shaped like the word "mugire."

Finally will come the Overly-Phlegmatic Sidewinder, a giant snake with no face, but simply a mouth and a 100-mile-long digestive tract. This creature will swallow up the first three creatures once there is nothing left, consume whole the Upside-Down Castle in the Vault of the Sky, and then insert its own tail into its mouth and consume itself. After this, existence will no longer exist. Too bad.

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